Follow Feeling to Find Connection
"We think by feeling. What is there to know?"[1]
-Theodore Roethke
Following feeling is an essential part of life. A person's feelings can lead them down a path that nobody else could envision, maybe even a path that everyone but them would advise against. History is full of examples (too many to name) that point to this seemingly universal truth: by investigating our feelings we learn to connect with our highest selves. When we come to know ourselves deeply, we unlock a vision for our life, a way to become the person we want to become that follows naturally from a clear recognition of the person we are now. And as we discover who we are, over and over again, we also learn to express our feelings in ways that allow us to connect with other people and with the world around us.
What is a feeling?
The Oxford English Dictionary lists a whopping 15 definitions for the verb "feel" and 14 for the noun "feeling".[2] At first glance, this appears to make any discussion of feeling too slippery to be useful. But I think the nearly all-encompassing nature of this word makes it ideal for talking about connection. "Feeling" is more bodily than "emotion." It is more cerebral than "sensation." It is more soulful than "thought." Feeling exists at the intersection of all of these. A feeling can come from somewhere deep within us, or it can come from outside of us. Feelings occur across a broad spectrum, from love to fury and everything in between. The following wheel of emotions created by Robert Plutchik shows one way of visualizing how emotion corresponds with feeling, and it represents that feelings can have different "shades," or happen to varying degrees.
What does it mean to follow feeling?
Our relationship with feeling can be active or passive. It should be obvious by now that I favor the active approach: I am a feeling follower. But I have to acknowledge we live in a world where some feelings are labeled "good" while others are "bad." Some feelings are seen as acceptable, even pleasing, and these we yearn to share and encourage. Others are deemed unacceptable, to be repressed at all costs and deserving of punishiment whenever they rear their ugly heads.
But repressed feelings don't disappear. They seethe and fester, often growing even more powerful by our neglect. Or they become their shadow, a mutant version of themselves: repressed desire transforms into self-hatred, and repressed sadness can turn into nihilistic apathy. If you read my first blog post, you know that I tried repressing my own feelings for years, so I can say with confidence that it just doesn't work. Most people learn this eventually, which is why a song like "Turn It Off" from the The Book of Mormon is so damn funny.
If we all know that repressing our feelings doesn't work, then why do we do it? To put it simply, expressing our feelings can have practical consequences. Nobody wants to lose their job by telling their boss how they really feel. Nobody wants to make their acquaintances uncomfortable by answering a polite "How are you?" a little too honestly. And of course it goes back to socialization, those "good" and "bad" labels we learn to attach to our feelings. But I can't help thinking there's a better way.
I believe that every feeling is worth following, but how we follow our feelings matters. Sometimes following feeling means going with our gut and seeing where that leads, acting on impulse or intuition. Other times it means trying to determine where a feeling came from and investigating what makes us tick. So in place of our inherited labels, I propose we try to categorize feelings as either feelings to follow backward (to their source) or feelings to follow forward (into the life we want).
Feelings to follow backward
Everyone has felt pain of some sort in their lives, and everyone has experienced feelings they would rather not feel again. But denying or suppressing our feelings in order to avoid possible hurts also makes us avoid possible connections. I'm not immune to this: I have hardened my heart after rejection, I have not tried to do many things because of my fear of failure. Yet I have come to realize that any feeling we think is disallowed is a feeling we can find a way of allowing ourselves. Here are some feelings that might be making us stuck, creating a need to investigate their origins and learn to work through them without hurting ourselves or others:
- Shame:[3] Do I feel ashamed because of a rule that is actually arbitrary? Who or what taught me to feel ashamed? Can I acknowledge my faults or past wrongdoings without letting them define me? Who would I be if no one were watching?
- Anger: To what degree does my anger involve assumptions that may or may not be true of the current situation? Do I turn to anger in situations in which I feel otherwise powerless? What, if anything, do I gain by feeling angry?
- Fear: Does my fear arise from what I know (based on past experience) or from what I don't know? Am I avoiding activities that would enrich my life because of fear? What might I do if I weren't afraid of what might happen?
When we do the hard work of digging into our unwanted feelings, we start to learn that those feelings happening inside of us are separate from who we are. We learn to accept our troubling feelings, which makes them trouble us less. This frees up energy that can be more fulfillingly applied to pursuing our personal goals or strengthening our relationships with others.
Feelings to follow forward
It's clear: the feelings we ought to follow forward are the ones that point us toward who, where, or how we want to be. Sometimes we don't quite know, and in those times our feelings can become a compass guiding us into uncharted territory. Here are a few feelings we can search for to help us find direction when we're feeling lost or aimless:
- Inspiration: What makes me feel alive and fills me with energy? What enlarges my soul and makes me feel like part of something bigger than myself? What makes me want to act right now, regardless of outcome?
- Curiosity: What is new and surprising to me? What grabs my attention and makes me want to learn more? What compels me to move toward my unknowns?
- Delight: What gets me giddy with joy that I couldn't hide even if I wanted to? What makes me feel like a kid again? What pleases me so much I don't even care to understand why?
- Need:[4] What do I feel like I must do? What could I not live with not doing? What makes me feel satisfied and secure?
As the above questions show, it can be useful to look beyond oneself for feelings to follow forward. This turning of one's attention outward begins a dialogue between one's inner life and the outside world, and it is a first step toward finding connection.
What happens if we don't follow our feelings?
My mom is a primary care doctor. She says the one feeling that is universally expressed by her older patients is regret, and most people regret what they didn't do: chances they didn't take, passions they didn't pursue, relationships they gave up on maintaining. If we make a habit of putting off the things that truly matter to us, of repeatedly ignoring our feelings, even in light of more pressing practical concerns, our creative impulses begin to wither. It becomes harder and harder to start that hobby we've always wanted to explore, easier and easier to make up excuses for why we can't. If we never express or investigate our sorrows and frustrations, they can become our rulers, part of an ingrained behavioral shorthand instead of momentary reactions to momentary problems. They sap our energy and get in the way of our becoming the best versions of ourselves.
The good news is that as long as we're alive, it's never too late to get in touch with our feelings and see where they lead.
Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. They are chaotic, sometimes painful, sometimes contradictory, but they come from deep within us. And we must key into those feelings... This is how new visions begin.
-Audre Lorde[5]
Oxford English Dictionary entries: "Feel"(verb), "Feeling" (noun). ↩︎
I've struggled with this a lot personally, which is why I put it first. I'll also say here that it can be very difficult to work through troubling feelings, and no one should be ashamed for seeking the help of a licensed counselor or therapist to do so. ↩︎
The familiar phrase "Necessity is the mother of invention" applies. A similar phrase for artists is articulated by Rilke as "A work of art is good if it is born of necessity." There are many other gems in his Letters to a Young Poet, which can be read in English translation here. ↩︎
Audre Lorde, Joan Wylie Hall (2004). “Conversations with Audre Lorde”, p.91, Univ. Press of Mississippi ↩︎